And How to Start

By: Erin Konrath

​​I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately as I’ve been getting clear on what my business is really about. I’m building a community for women, and our offering is women’s circles—discussing topics relevant to our everyday lives. Perimenopause, growing out of old friendships, how to handle the news without losing our minds. It’s called Femnest. Our entire model is based on how real talk is always better than small talk, so I’ve had to really think about what that means, why it’s so hard to real talk in our everyday lives, and how we can start to change it.

For the past 30 years of my adult life, I’ve defaulted to the “everything’s great,” “the kids are good!” “we should get together” type of responses. Always accompanied by that slightly high-pitched tone- which I’ve learned is a dead giveaway that whatever those words are means exactly the opposite.

This stuckness in small talk really started to bother me when I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in 2021. My entire world had shattered. For weeks I laid in bed, imagining the very worst, having to say goodbye to my family. How were my kids going to survive without me? The very real but vain worry about losing my hair. And sooo much more.

I kept mainly to myself during that time, only spoke to extremely close people, and went through a radical hysterectomy and chemotherapy protocol. It took me months before I went back into the world. When I was finally ready, I had concerned friends and acquaintances asking me how I was, and that high-pitched “fine” squeaked out of my mouth. Sometimes I managed an “okay,” which felt a little more real, but no matter what I responded with, it was always surface-level. Very small talk. It wasn’t even close to what was truly on my heart and mind.

This went on for years as I went through some intense PTSD from the way I was diagnosed. When I finally started coming out of the haze and feeling a little more like myself again, my life took some really beautiful twists and turns. I started therapy and found cancer communities where people understood. During that time, I also met Margot, who is now the co-founder of Femnest, and from the very beginning, I real talked with her.

It felt like relief and a buzz in my body. An energetic buzz. It gave me almost a little bit of a high. My day-to-day started to change—my marriage, especially. I started being more honest in my marriage. I started having deeper relationships with my friends because I started asking them questions that felt a little bit deeper than before.

Real talk started to become a mainstay in my life, and to be honest, it started to create some real magic. I felt lighter. I felt more like me. I was making connections that were beautifully authentic and special.

Fast forward four years, and now I’m building an entire brand and business around real talk. It is time for women to start voicing what is true to them. Even in the grocery store, at school pickup, or on the phone with a relative who might not expect the truth. If we can all learn a healthy and easy way to do this, our world will start feeling stronger, brighter, more manageable.

Real talk compounds. You start small, and as you go, it builds on itself—better relationships, more self-confidence, stronger agency. Which in turn brings so many gifts. An entire universe will open up to you. You’re being you, and you’ll be rewarded for that. I promise.

I cannot recommend it enough.

We created a guide at Femnest on how to start. It gives you actual scripts for different situations—when life feels heavy, when things are good but you’re scared to say it out loud, when you’re in the messy middle. It teaches you the breathing technique (three slow breaths to create a pause between the question and your automatic “I’m fine”). It shows you how to read the room so you know when someone has the capacity to hold your honesty. And it includes a 7-day challenge with specific actions for each day—like “Day 1: Answer honestly once, even if it feels scary” and “Day 5: Celebrate something good out loud.”

You can start small. You can start now. It’s not hard. It works for negative, neutral, AND positive things in your life.

Get the guide, read it, save it, and practice. And come back and let us know how it goes for you. It might be bumpy at first, but hang on for a beautiful ride.

And listen—if you read this whole thing and do nothing? You’re missing out. That high-pitched “I’m fine” is keeping you from the connections, the relief, the buzz of actually being yourself. The women who get it are already in the room.

Love you. Good luck.