Even When We Want to Grow

By: Margot Walsh

Have you ever noticed how you can take some real steps forward and then somehow find yourself right back where you started? You decide you’re ready for something different. You make a change. You start showing up in a new way. And then, almost without realizing it, you stop and go back. From the outside it can look like self-sabotage or a lack of discipline. It can feel like proof that you weren’t actually ready. But actually, something much more human is happening.

When we grow, we are not just changing our behaviors; we are changing our sense of self. Every time you step into a new role, set a new boundary, raise your standards, or go after something that stretches you, your identity adjusts alongside those actions. Growth is not only external. It re-organizes you internally. And identity shifts, even good ones, can throw us all the way off.

We tend to assume that growth will feel empowering and exciting. Sometimes it does. But often it feels disorienting before it feels expansive. As your sense of who you are begins to evolve, your nervous system loses some of its familiar reference points. The version of you it has learned to predict and manage is no longer the same. That loss of predictability can register as a threat.

Our nervous systems are wired for safety, not transformation. The unknown feels unsafe. We prefer what is known and familiar, even if what is familiar no longer fits the life we want. So when you begin to expand into something new, your body will respond as if something is wrong. You might feel heightened, reactive, confused or overwhelmed. You may start questioning decisions that previously felt clear. Thoughts like, “This is too much,” or “Maybe I can’t handle this,” or “I should just stop.”

We go back, it feels better, there’s relief. The intensity settles. The uncertainty quiets. Familiar patterns feel grounding because they are predictable. But that relief can quickly turn into disappointment, reinforcing the old story that you are not capable or that you cannot follow through. In reality, what happened was not failure. It was a nervous system trying to protect you during an identity shift.

What we often see as self-sabotage is actually self-protection. The confusion and overwhelm that show up in the middle of growth are not signs that you are on the wrong path. They are growing pains. When an old identity begins to shed and a new one is still forming, there is an in-between space that feels unstable. You aren’t who you once were but you’re not fully who you’re becoming yet. Like a molting crab (check back with me for that story!). We’re vulnerable, scared, and we’ve never learned how to tolerate it. 

The question, then, is not why you keep going back. A more useful question might be whether you have learned how to stay. Staying does not mean forcing yourself or ignoring your limits. It means allowing the discomfort of expansion without immediately interpreting it as danger. It means recognizing that heightened emotions and doubt can be part of integration, not evidence that you are incapable. It means giving your nervous system time and, ideally, support while it recalibrates to the new version of you that is emerging.

Growth is much harder to sustain alone. When you believe you are the only one who feels overwhelmed in the middle of becoming, halting can feel like the safest option. But the experience of feeling unsteady, uncertain, or stretched does not mean you are broken. It may mean you are reorganizing internally to match the life you are building externally.

Discomfort is not the opposite of alignment. Sometimes it is the pathway to it. If you allowed yourself to stay in the process a little longer, if you did not rush to quiet the unease or return to what feels familiar, what might happen? Who might you become if you trusted that the confusion is part of growth rather than a verdict on your capability?

On the other side of the discomfort? There’s a version of you who has learned that discomfort is not the same thing as danger and that expansion often feels messy before it feels solid. So maybe the real invitation is this: what would change if you made the discomfort of growing okay, and stayed long enough to see who you are on the other side?

Margot is the Co-founder of Femnest and serves as the Director of Growth & Connection. She is a life coach and the creator of Beyond: Discover Who You Are Beyond the Stress, a group coaching program that helps women move past overwhelm and into clarity, calm, and confidence. To learn more about working with her or to join the next round of Beyond, send her a message.