Why Motherhood Doesn’t Have to Mean Losing Yourself

By: Margot Walsh

I had always wanted to be a mom. In my vision, I had 3-4 kids. I told my husband this very early on in our dating and I’m grateful that he didn’t run for the hills because we were only 21 at the time.  But I just knew and it was nonnegotiable. Children were and still are magical to me. With their imagination, curiosity, creativity, and sense of wonder and awe they inspire me to live with more presence and joy. They connect me to purpose in life: love. It is why I babysat throughout high school, worked in afterschool programming in college, and became a school social worker in inner city Chicago. 

I had my first baby when I was 28 years old. I honestly loved being pregnant but I loved holding my newborn son even more. During maternity leave I would hold him for hours on end and I remember my husband saying “I can’t stand watching you do everything one handed!” But I didn’t want to put him down. I already felt like the moments were slipping away too quickly and he was already growing up too fast. From the moment our babies leave our body, they are on a path towards greater and greater independence and I was SO aware of that. 

In a very literal way, the birth of my son cracked me open. But I didn’t realize how much he had cracked me open on every invisible level, until I emerged from the cocoon of maternity leave and returned to work. Yes, there was the added: getting him out the door in the morning, pumping at work, cleaning endless amounts of bottles/parts/pieces, laundry, nighttime feedings, etc. that I now had to absorb. But also, I was expected to be the version of myself that I was before becoming a mom while now being responsible for keeping another tiny human alive. However, the biggest shift came in how I was experiencing the world, I felt everything so much deeper than before. From events in the news to the traumas I was hearing at work, they all hit harder. It was as if everything was happening to my son, my husband or me. I couldn’t separate from the experiences of others. I dismissed this as a phase and plowed ahead. But eventually the heaviness became unbearable. I was crying every night after work and I didn’t know how to take care of myself, I didn’t know what was wrong or what I needed. I wasn’t the mom I wanted to be and I certainly wasn’t the wife or social worker I once was. I felt like I was failing all over the place. 

Two years after having my son, I became pregnant with my daughter. Life had begun to feel like a stressful hamster wheel that I was stuck on and I had lost all sense of purpose and direction. I had no zest for life. It was clear that I needed help. I started therapy. I eventually made the decision that I would resign from my job after having my daughter and I would be a stay at home mom for a while. I was devastated at first to leave my role as a social worker, as it had been my identity for so long. But I was thrilled to be starting a new chapter and to be able to have long, slow, beautiful days with my babies. I truly believed this was the cure I needed. 

Eventually the honeymoon wore off and I again felt lost, bored, depressed, and overwhelmed. But this time it was accompanied by shame, self doubt, fear, and guilt. Ashamed that I wasn’t strong enough to stay in the work force and be a mom, doubt that I would ever find my purpose in the real world, fear that no one would take me seriously or they’d think I was weird, and guilt that I wasn’t happy even though I seemingly had everything I ever wanted.

I didn’t want to be away from the kids full time but I also couldn’t be home with them full time either.

How could I not want to be with my kids all the time? What kind of mother was I?

That’s when one of my best friends (and follow mom), who is truly the most generous and kind person I know, and has a moral compass like an arrow, said, “Thank goodness I have work 2 days a week, I need a break from my daughter sometimes!” That was the permission I needed. We can love our children fiercely and also have our own things.

I needed to work out, I needed to find time to journal, I needed to learn new things, I needed to get out of the house alone and see friends, I needed to have impact outside of the home, and I needed slow and beautiful time with my little growing family too. 

That type of balance in life seemed impossible at first. I was stuck in black and white thinking that either I had to work full time and life was chaotic or I was at home full time in order to create calm for everyone else except myself. Getting clear on what I wanted my life to look and feel like was the first step. Even though I had no idea how I’d get there or exactly what the end result would be, at least I knew where I was going. So I started on the path of redesigning my life according to me. I started with what I knew: working out. If I could at least prove to myself that I could show up for myself consistently in that way maybe I’d grow to trust myself. I did. Then I added journaling to the mix and I grew more self aware and more compassionate for myself. Then I started learning new things that inspired me and I grew more confident and joyful. Then I hired a life coach and things really began to evolve. My next right step became clear and then the next right step after that and my next right step after that. I eventually got certified as a life coach, then I started my own practice, and then I grew my practice. And now I work part time doing work that lights my soul on fire, I get to be at pick up and drop off for the kids and go on their field trips, I have time to do all the home administration that needs to be done, I have a beautiful relationship with my husband, I work out 5 days a week and am deeply connected to myself. I don’t say this to brag, I say this to let you know how possible it is to create what you want in life. My life is not perfect. We still have chaos, I still yell sometimes and feel awful about it when the kids go to bed, my husband and I get in arguments, and everything else in between. But I don’t feel stuck anymore, I don’t feel lost, I am lit up by life now and I am present for the good, the bad, and the ugly. 

So start. Even if you aren’t totally clear or in full belief that the end result is possible, start. Start by getting clear on how you want to feel. There’s always something you can do to shift the way you feel. And then trust that if you stick with yourself, your unique path will illuminate. The small things we do over time accumulate to create life changing shifts. You got this, Mama, you were born for it! 

Margot is the Co-founder of Femnest and serves as the Director of Growth & Connection. She is a life coach and the creator of Beyond: Discover Who You Are Beyond the Stress, a group coaching program that helps women move past overwhelm and into clarity, calm, and confidence. To learn more about working with her or to join the next round of Beyond, send her a message!